|Dear Rita, I just want to say thank you for giving us the facts. I know most people don't appreciate how hard your job is, but the truth hurts, and they need to get over it. --An Avid Admirer|
My Avid Admirer,
I don’t typically respond to the millions of pieces of fan mail I receive weekly, so consider yourself lucky!
The truth does hurt, doesn’t it? I am doing my best to report the truth and nothing but the truth.
Keep reading and thank you for your owl and support.
I’m starting to lose confidence in Alastor Moody. Yes, he can win the war, but at what price and with what tactics?
Minerva McGonagall has a secret lover in Hogsmeade! I saw her sneaking out of Hogwarts castle late at night.
After doing a little digging, I discovered that Minerva is in a secret relationship with an underage Hufflepuff student! That’s right, our saintly Professor has turned quite naughty with old age. Perhaps she’s chasing after youth because she lost out on her own. That would explain her fascination with teaching youngins…
Evan Rosier died of Scrofungulus six months ago. Is Alecto Carrow engaged to an Inferius?
As you know, it is my goal to answer your questions with cold hard facts, and I’m afraid I have bitter news. Evan Rosier is indeed dead. This diabolical plan was Ms. Carrow’s way of insuring she got the Rosier fortune with no actual strings attached. There is no level to which she will not stoop. Aurors will be dispatched to take care of the inferius and a small ceremony will be held in the ministry gardens to commemorate Mr. Rosier’s life.
Severus Snape was born without spit glands and can’t generate saliva. Kissing him is like licking a brick wall
Now there’s no call to go about insulting random walls. I have it on good authority that they smell better and are less likely to cause injury to your eyes in the process. After a little digging I discovered that Severus Snape hasn’t bathed in more than 6 months, and he uses the grease from his hair as a homemade lubricant. Honestly dear readers, getting within kissing range of this swamp beast sounds dicey. I’d stick with the wall.
Walden Macnair’s body is completely hairless. He kills animals out of jealousy.
Now I know what you’re thinking—I’ve seen Macnair and he’s fairly hairy. What you’ve seen is nothing more than the sick deception of a desperate man. Macnair wears the pelts of his helpless victims. He has an entire collection, something for every occasion. It’s only a matter of time before he’s no longer satisfied with animal fur, so readers beware!
Fenrir Greyback has fleas. Ladies, back off that pelt of his.
Fleas? Is that what they’re calling herpes these days? That’s right! Straight from his records at St. Mungos! Fenrir Greyback is a walking disease. Between lycanthropy, vampirism, and a slew of sexual diseases, it’s best to steer clear.
Rumour has it that Mary MacDonald is being promoted to editor of the Daily Prophet.
Ahh, such delusions of grandeur. It’s sad to see one of your own go. In truth I was afraid of this and encouraged her to seek help. My friends, mental illness is not a joke. If someone you know is hurting, send them to St. Mungos before it is too late. Mary, if you’re out there… we’re here for you.
The Order of the Phoenix is just Dumbledore’s secret sex cult.
Now that is quite a vision, but alas my readers, it is also true. After some digging I discovered that ‘phoenix’ is their safe word! Order Members routinely engage in violent sex and blame it on the Death Eaters. When it goes too far, they just shout ‘Phoenix’. Dumbledore has programmed them to stop immediately upon hearing the word. Such machinations are almost on par with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Are we safe from anyone?
Fabian Prewett fucked Millicent Bagnold on his brother’s desk at the Ministry. Scandalous!
Or did he? The truth is, we don’t know who Fabian Prewett really is. She could have been fucking anyone on that desk— not that it’s ever stopped her before. I don’t know what’s worse: that she engineers these clandestine liaisons in her subordinate’s office, or that she invites them to watch. That’s right: Gideon Prewett is a voyeur and frequently watches his boss dominate other men.